Crystal

I feel like there is so much that stems back to childhood and yet that time of my life is almost a blur that I cannot even recount too many specific memories. I will say that we have never really gotten along. There was always conflict from the start. As you got older you simply grew up to be a very different person that who I was. We were completely different in every way one could be. Not just in personalities but interests, style, music... all the ways. There just wasn't ever much to relate to each other. And thats ok.

I think the bottom line is we don't have to have a relationship with people just because they are family. We owe nothing to anyone. Im learning that more and more as I get older.

Through the years we have had different falling outs. Most if not all was fueled through our mother...who has the odd habit of turning her children all against each other by talking shit about one to the other. Despite the falling outs we would always find a way to eventually come back together and once again have some sort of relationship and still connect on social medias.

That all came to another halt with yet another falling out back in August of 2023. You were taking great advantage of our parents even while Pop was on hospice. You would leave your children for weeks at a time for our elderly mother to care for, feed and take to and from school while she was killing herself caring for our dying father. Mom would have to do laundry daily for the boys because you refused to buy them more than one school uniform. It was so much work that she actually asked me to buy them a few more pairs of clothes for her so that she didn't have to work so hard. And what did you do? You actually got mad and made her return it. Not only were you taking advantage of our parents but you were, and honestly probably still are, failing your own kids. I had enough and told you to stop taking advantage of them. My mom had called me numerous times to tell me how much this was affecting her. Her mental health was deteriorating. And with her known history of suicide attempts, this was just another attempt waiting to happen. You couldn't take being called out and that started the last falling out. You blocked my number. At that point that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I then proceeded to block you on everything else that we were connected on. I asked my mom to no longer tell me anything regarding you as I want nothing to do with it. 

1 year, 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day. Thats the amount of time that went by without you in my life before we crossed paths again and actually interacted when we were saying goodbye to our dad. As we were leaving you said something to the effect of, "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye with things, but maybe when this is all done and things settle we can talk and maybe move forward with our relationship." Not going to lie, there is a pressure that exists that we are supposed to make it work with family or something. But I have learned we don't owe anything to anyone. Being that my mom was there and I didn't want her to get upset or anything I simply said, "I don't know, we will see." Over the next week and change up till now, my sister has been in contact in one way or another. Either I call my mom and she answers and passes on info about my dad. Or my brother is the middle man passing on info between us... because I still refuse to unblock her. 

Before my dad died, my brother and I had already made Thanksgiving plans. He was going to come over. With the sudden change with my dad's health I double checked to see if we were still going to meet up. He said it was up to me but that probably now more than ever we should lean on family. So we decided to still meet up regardless. As things would play out, he passed the day before. On his way up here he stopped at my moms to see how she was doing. He extended the invite to her and asked her to come over too. Im glad he did. She needed to get out of the house. What I am not glad for is that my brother extended the invite to my sister and her family too. And they actually accepted. I think I let it happen like this more for my mom but it wasn't something I would have wanted to happen. While she was here she was talking more with me and sort of gave the vibe that she was trying to make amends. Idk if it took for my dad to die for her to see what was important but honestly I don't care. Whatever she is feeling is hers to deal with. In the moment though I shared with her my recent cancer diagnosis. She seemed shocked and concerned. I didn't tell her because I wanted to fix things. I think I told her to put in perspective to her what is really important. But also sometimes we see what is important too late.

Ive really been sitting with this and have talked about it with my therapist countless times and my conclusion hasn't changed. That 1 year, 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day I have had peace without her in my life. That speaks volumes. Im in a stage in life where I want peace. I don't have the capacity for drama. Negativity. I only allow things into my life and space that enhance my life. If you're not enriching my life, encouraging me, helping me grow or positively impacting me I don't have space for you. Likewise I don't have space for stagnant people weighing me down. This isn't the first or second or even third time my sister has cut me out of her life... it will be the last though because Im done with this and I don't want her in mine. So I have no intention of having a relationship with her ever again. I have to do what's right for me. And that's having peace. 

Rest in peace Pop

 My dad died last week. Wednesday November 27th, 2024 at 3:22pm to be exact. It also happened to be my youngest daugter's birthday. The following day, Thanksgiving Day, also happened to be the anniversary of me finding out I was pregnant with Genesis (my stillborn daughter). An emotional week to say the least.

This blog was meant for what the title suggests... things I never got to say. But this post is a little different. I wanted to talk about Pop. 

Me, my kids and my husband all made the trip to say our goodbyes to Pop on Saturday November 23rd. We got the call the previous Wednesday that Pop's health took a turn and this was probably going to be it, as he had already been on hospice care for 2 years. This was the hardest visit ever. Knowing it would be the last time we saw him. My kids each wrote letters to him saying goodbye. Some even drawing photos.

Only my son was able to choke out his own letter and the rest of my kids asked me to read it for them. Losing my dad has been difficult to say the least, but witnessing my children grieve along side me over their grandpa has been an additional heartbreak to witness. 

Then it came time for me to say my goodbyes. I pictured this moment a thousand times and thought I would know what I would say and when the moment came, I was left almost speechless not knowing where to even start. I thanked him for doing his best as a father. I thanked him for giving us the life he and my mom did. We grew up so privileged. Told him I do not take for granted what he provided. I thanked him for helping me through the years. For being there. Then our conversation sort of turned to the past when I was a child. I was a big soccer player and we talked about how he was my biggest cheerleader. At this visit my dad was awake and talking and responding. It was such a gift to be able to have these last conversations. He reminisced about all the thing he could buy for a penny when he was a child. Despite my moms claims, I do not believe he had alzheimer's. He knew that Thanksgiving was next week. When he saw my husband he asked him if he still worked for the NBA player and of course Marlon said yes. They got to talking about sports. And my dad was fondly recounting how the Dodgers won the world series and spoke about his favorite pitcher. I told my dad, "Dont forget how much we love you." He replied, "I wont forget."

By this visit we were told that he could not keep any food down. His last meal was the Wednesday before. And by meal I mean a couple of spoonfulls of mashed potatoes and some ice cream, his favorite. While I was there he was still asking for mashed potatoes but I was told he couldnt eat anything. He would either choke on it or immediately through it up. Right now it was about comfort measures. He was asked frequently if he was in pain and he said no. At one point he asked for a drink. He specifically asked for soda, he loved sugary junk food. I was expecting to see him sip it from a cup. But instead my sister got a tiny cup which I often see used for mouthwash. There was a tiny amount of soda in it. She dipped an oral sponge on it... it looked like a cylindrical sponge at the end of a stick. She let it soak up the soda, then squeezed the majority out. My dad would then suck on the sponge to drink the few drops he could get out. But even that made him cough uncontrollably.  

We stayed for hours. Going in and out of the room. Leaving to eat and give others a chance to visit. One of my dad's last requests was to get a photo with all the grandkids. He smiled so big for that photo. It broke my heart. I got some photos of him and me and he also smiled with me. It nearly broke me. One of the times I went back into the room shortly before we had to go I asked him if he had a good day. His reply, "I did. The best." That was absolutely heartbreaking to hear. I told him over and over that I loved him. I held his hand. I gave him a hug. I noticed that out of all the visitors we had my dad only reached his hand out for two people to hold their hands. My brother Stefan and my husband Marlon. I know that the were really special to my dad. Then we had to go. I gave him a kiss and again told him I loved him and gave his hand one last squeeze. As I left, I looked back at him in the bed. Walking away knowing it would be the last time I would see him. I walked out the front door, closed it and looked back. Again knowing the next time I go through that door he wont be on the other side. As I walked down the path that went right next to his bedroom window, I looked at the window knowing this would be the last time he was sitting there in bed. We got to the car and I got all the kids in. I sat there in disbelief for a moment letting it all hit me. I broke down. Then one of my children asked me, "Is this the last time we are going to see Abu?" I had already told them but I think they just couldnt believe it. I had to say yes. It was the saddest car ride home. That was the last day he was really awake and able to communicate and open his eyes.

The days passed and then the waiting game as to when I was going to get THE call. On 11/27/24 at 2:48pm I had the urge to call my dad. I called my mom's cell and asked to be put on speaker and put next to my dads ear. I cried on the phone again telling him how much I loved him. Thanked him for being there for me through the years but more importantly for showing up for my kids when I was a single mom. He used to show up all the time to take them to and from school. He used to step in for all the father things like donuts for dad or whatever other school event there was so that they didnt feel left out. I had also learned at my visit on Saturday that he at one point didnt want to be a father because he felt that he wouldnt be a good one. So I took this moment to tell him he did an amazing job. He should be proud. I told him that he can let go and rest. He deserves to rest and its ok to go. I told him we would be ok. Lastly I ended it with "I love you." Our conversation took about 6 minutes. My mom and sister both told me he heard me. He turned toward the phone and when I was done he nodded in understanding. 

He died 28 minutes later.

So this post is a reminder of the things I did get to say. I said everything I needed to say and I feel at peace.