Hannah Lam

I had a best friend growing up named Hannah Lam. We met in middle school in South Pasadena CA and stayed best friends for all of middle school and high school. I have some incredible memories with her. From her coming to Las Vegas with my family. Her and my grandma getting close. Her dad helping me when I bruised a vein in my ankle. Us running into Judge Ito at a Trader Joe’s in the midst of the OJ trial. Her encountering spiderwebs in the tennis courts at our local park and her running around in hysteria till she threw up. Us playing Missy Elliott songs in my beat up purple Dodge Neon. And of course our whip cream fight. As many do, we lost touch after we graduated high school. Cell phones were a new thing and I don’t think she even had one. I had a razr (iykyk) and I would call her parents landline (again, iykyk). Our last conversation was when I was visiting my cousin in Fresno probably around October 2008. I remember I was telling her how I just met up with one of our mutual high school friends Aimee. She had come all the way from TN I believe and I hadn’t seen her in years. I don’t remember the exact wording I used but I said something to the effect of, “I see Aimee more than you, and she lives in TN!” For reference Hannah had not moved away and was still somewhat local to me. I had moved a few cities over but still probably only a 30 minute drive at most. This was said in an effort to see if we could meet up more because I missed her. Her reply to me, and again I don’t recall the exact words as it’s been years, was something along the lines of, “Well I guess I can’t be the friend you want me to be.” And that was the last I ever heard from her.

I have replayed that conversation over and over in my head for over a decade now. I don’t think either of us really reached out to each other after that and Im not exactly sure why. I was in the midst of a divorce and navigating life as a new single mom while still processing the death of my stillborn daughter. I know in recent years I have emailed her many times and have gotten no reply. I even found her siblings on facebook and asked if there was a way to reach Hannah and no one ever responded. I have changed so much from those days and I really feel the need to take accountability for some things and just express how much she meant to me. So this is a letter to Hannah.

Dear Hannah (Hannah-lama-lama),

 I really don't even know where to begin. I have been trying to reach you for years. I've often wondered how life has treated you after all these years. Where are you now? How are your parents? More importantly, who are you now? We were just kids/ young adults when we we're friends... which honestly to me now, is still a kid. I feel like I have so much to catch up on and tell you about... I mean if you care.

I certainly care very much about you still. At one point I saw you like a sister. We haven't spoken in almost 16 years. Thats a long time. I don't even know how that is possible. 

I think back about our friendship that started back in middle school. One of the found memories I have from that time was how you would bring these little sticky white bread buns to school which I later learned were Chinese steamed buns. (I missed these so much that I recently learned how to make them at home and it reminded me so much of you and your parents) They were so delicious and you would give them to me often. I also remember you giving me your school lunch pizza which I loved so much. But in thinking back to those times there is a lot of grey area too. I don't even know who that version of me is anymore.I don't remember much of my childhood and young adulthood due to trauma. My therapist asked me questions about that time a lot and I simply have to say I don't know. I have huge sections of my memory that are just gone. But many of the memories I do remember involve you. So first off, thank you for bring part of the best times of my childhood. You were an amazing friend. But more importantly, secondly, I remember you giving me those foods a lot and I don't know fi you ever felt obligated to give it to me when you didn't want to. I was probably only thinking of myself back then. I am so much more aware now. I honestly lived in a bubble back then. And I want to apologize if you ever felt like I was demanding you give me those things or really anything else. I'm sorry if you ever felt it was an expectation. And if there was ever a time where you actually wanted those foods or anything else but you gave them to me... I'm so sorry. Your needs and wants were absolutely valid too. I honestly don't remember if that even was the case but I'm much more empathetic and more conscious of the way I make others feel now. So thinking back I now really sit with how I may have made you feel.

There were so many times I wanted to call you. Like when Abilla died. I know you got to know her. She really loved you like a granddaughter. I wanted to call you each time I had a baby. I wanted to call to tell you when my divorce was final. When I got remarried. When I bought my first house. When I found my biological family. When my bio dad died. When I got to see Missy Elliott perform TWICE. (Honestly that one hurt so much because I always thought when Missy would have a concert that we would absolutely go together because we were such die hard fans. Doing that without you left a scar for real.) Just all the milestone things and big events. I have really missed just sharing life with you. I have really missed hearing what's going on with you. I really wish I could have been there to celebrate your highs and hold you through any lows.

I have scoured the internet for you. Facebook, IG, Tik Tok... even LinkedIn. Like where are you girl? 

I had a dream about you a few nights ago and I was like BITCH, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU. And you weren't even surprised to see me. And when I asked for your number you hesitated to give it to me and I woke up before I could even see if you did give it to me. 

I just really miss you. I would love to find you again one day and would love to get to know each other again. I feel like this version of me is so much deeper than who I used to be. After all, Im 41 now. I have learned a thing or two. I know you are 40 and that your 41st b day is coming up December 1st. I never forgot.

If you ever find this blog know that I have never stopped thinking of you. I miss you dearly and I hope we reconnect one day. Below are photos of many of our shenanigans.

Love.

Tiffany